1) Love thy neighbor. But don’t get caught.
2) My week is basically …Monday–>Monday#2–>Monday#3–>Monday#4–>Friday–>Saturday–>pre-Monday
4) Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
5) If you want to make your dreams come true, The first thing you have to do is wake up.
6) Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.
7) There are 3 types of people in the world- vegetarian, non-veterinarian & Tuesday Saturday
8) My heart is stolen…can I check your bra…….
9) I Am Not Special , I Am Just Limited Edition 😛
10) My teachers always told me that if I didn’t study hard enough I’d end up working at McDonalds. Well I proved them wrong, I got a job at KFC today.
11) Congratulations!!My tallest finger want to give you a standing ovation
12) I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
13) I Have Good News And Bad News To Tell You. The Bad News? I Have No Good News. And The Good News? I Have No Bad News.
14) Open Books, Not Legs. Blow Minds, Not Guy[/quote]
15) My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.
16) Someone on his status “Sleeping” …since 3 Days! He’s Probably dead.
17) A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”
18) Wow now I’m a graduate…….Now thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains .
19) It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing…
20) I love my job only when I’m on vacation…..
21) Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
22) If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. I’ll tell you more.
23) Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?
24) I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!
25) A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
26) My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death..!!
27) When I’m a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When I’m Driving I Hate Pedestrians…
28) Whoever says “Good Morning” on Monday’s deserves to get slapped 🙂
29) Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.
30) Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software…it’s called #Monday, please fix it
31) A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”
32) Always wear cute pajamas to bed you’ll never know who you will meet in your dreams.
33) Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.
34) God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me 😛
35) Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.
36) When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
37) I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.
38) My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.
39) Life is too short smile while you still have teeth…
40) I want to make my name on Facebook “NOBODY” so when I see someone post something stupid, i can like it and it will say “NOBODY LIKES THIS”